why didn’t she say something sooner?
I’ve heard people ask why Dr. Ford didn’t say anything sooner. These same people seem to think that there’s no way the assault happened or that if it did it wasn’t really that bad because it wasn’t rape and she didn’t say anything. Here are my thoughts.
Sexual assault is about consent not intent. I don’t care if you were just “joking around,” or “didn’t mean any harm. Unless you have permission, touching, groping, fondling, etc. are considered sexual assault. Consent is also not transferable. How I feel today may not be how I feel next week and you need to respect that.
The spectrum of assault is wide-ranging and will elicit different emotions for different people. Regardless, the emotions are valid. I’ve read comments and heard mostly men say that what happened to Dr. Ford wasn’t a big deal and shouldn’t be a big deal now since something so small happened so long ago. It can take years to unpack feelings associated with an assault if you even recognize what happened to you as sexual assault. Society has normalized this behavior to the point where we question whether or not groping and fondling is just to be expected. To one person, a pinch on the ass may not be a big deal but to someone else it could mean years of trauma and and inability to trust.
Since behaviors are normalized, we may not recognize actions as assault but they still are. As a woman, I’ve come to expect certain things: if i’m standing by a bar, a man passing by will rub his hands along my side, my waist and/or my ass; if a guy drives me home and I don’t want to sleep with him, I need to make sure that he doesn’t park, that I exit the car quickly, and that I have a reason why he can’t come up because “no” isn’t sufficient; at some point during the evening, i’ll be touched in some way, whether it’s putting a hand in the ripped part of my jeans, rubbing my shoulders, or placing a crawling hand on my knee – something will happen and i’ll have to say “hey don’t do that.” After I say something it’ll probably happen at least two more times. This behavior is seen as normal and a sign of affection which it absolutely can be if there’s consent. If you say don’t like it you’re being uptight because it’s not like it’s rape, right? What some people don’t understand is that these behaviors can be triggers because that’s how our sexual assault started in the first place. It was a casual hand on the knee that crawled to the inner thigh. It was a hug that lasted too long and resulted in not being able to get the person off of you.
Sometimes we don’t say anything because we think it’s our fault. I had too many drinks, I was wearing that dress, I was being too flirtatious or I was 7 and I didn’t say no as it was happening. Society tells us that as women, you shouldn’t invite a man home or go home with a man unless you’re fully consenting. There’s really little wiggle room to change your mind. Men are told that they just need to be more persuasive, I mean she gave you the green light by inviting you over right? How many times has something happened to you and you felt so ashamed because “you should have known better?” As children, we’re not really taught about the body’s physical reaction to sexual stimulation therefore it’s extremely confusing when something’s happening to you and your body is like, “oh hey,” while your mind is like, “oh no.” This persists into adulthood. You tell a guy, “no, stop, don’t, I don’t want to,” and he says, “come on, don’t be that way, your body seems like it wants to.” You tell yourself, well I guess my body does want to so I guess that’s what we’re doing. This is still sexual assault and/or rape.
Sometimes we don’t say anything because we’re pretty sure nothing will happen. It may be because you know that the person who assaulted you has a certain a position of authority or great social status and is well-liked. Or maybe you did tell your mom and she automatically blamed you and sent you to your room. Why would you want to relive some of the most difficult times of your life to be blamed and then to have nothing happen?
People are hypocrites. I understand that people lie and misremember so you can’t rush to judgement, but even when presented with “proof,” people still don’t believe the victims. People are still caping for Bill Cosby when there is actual proof of his crimes. He said he drugged women but that’s not enough. I would have more respect for Kavanaugh if he said something like, “I was a dumb kid. I did a lot of questionable things. I never thought about the impact of my behavior on others and I’m sorry for that. I have worked hard to be a better person as evidenced by blank.” This man started talking about how many women were his friends and how many women he hired. This is the same argument as, “hey i’m not racist, I have a Black friend.”
On that note, what is also infuriating is that Kavanaugh is being painted as “just a boy” who has grown up to become a fine pillar of the community. Do you know who else was just a boy but won’t grow up to be a fine pillar of the community? Emmett Till, Trayvon Martin, Tamir Rice, Jordan Edwards, Mike Brown, Antown Rose Jr, Anthony Lamar Smith, Ramarley Graham, Wendell Allen, Kendrec McDade, Jonathan Ferrell, Jordan Baker, John Crawford III, Laquan McDonald, Tony Robinson, Philando Castile, and so many more. These boys and young men won’t have the opportunity to sit at a confirmation hearing and talk about how they’ve overcome the missteps of their youth.
Politics are theater. This is a fact. What is also a fact is that Dr. Ford did not want to be questioned about probably the most difficult event in her life on a national stage. She didn’t want to basically be interrogated by men who have most likely assaulted before and see nothing wrong with what happened to her if they even believed it happened to her.
Why didn’t she say something sooner? Because she didn’t want to go through all of this.
Red pumps 